Sciamachy by Dee


Sci·am·a·chy noun [sahy-amuh-kee]an act or instance of fighting a shadow or an imaginary enemy.


My enemy is ruthless. My enemy is full of spite.

My enemy is clever. My enemy is full of might.

The only sound in the room was the pounding of feet on the wooden floor and the harsh gasp of labored breathing. If it wasn’t for me she thought to herself, this room would be quiet… serene. Why am I disturbing its peace? This was of course exactly the sort of silly existentialist distraction that would probably get her killed someday. She shook her head as if her distractions were insects she was trying to frighten and tried to bring her focus back to the task at hand.

Right, right, left, right.

Side to side, dodge and strike.

Her hands hurt from the abuse inflicted on them, and her throat was raw from the intensity of her breathing. A brief swipe across her face to try and get some of the sweat away, she hated when it got into her eyes. The sting was distracting. She hated distractions. She wished she could stop, just for a moment, and find something  she could use to wipe it away. Maybe she could even catch her breath. But she knew she could never give them that satisfaction. She knew that any pause would be a sigh of weakness.

My enemy is watching me, my enemy is close.

My enemy knows me well and celebrates all my woes.

Stupid stupid stupid. Do you really think you can do anything about the situation you’re in? If your attempts at self salvation weren’t so sad they would be amusing. But they aren’t, they just make me sad. Sad that something like you exists in my world. Because you are pitiful. I would pity you myself if I wasn’t so disgusted by everything about you.

Kick, Punch, block, Punch.

Feint to the left, strike to the right.

Finally, exhaustion overcame her and the strength fled from her limbs. She stopped moving and lowered her arms, and her head dropped in defeat. Sweat kept trickling down her neck, unaware that the game was over and they’d lost. No point. She looked back up at her tormenter, with all the hatred she could muster. Her reflection glared back at her. You will never be good enough.

My enemy lives inside my head, my enemy knows my fears.

My enemy never lets me be and causes all my tears.

Waves by Dee

When I was younger and more inclined to believe

Everyone told me their favorite lie

Like once when I was hurt, they told me pain came in waves

That it was a divine mercy so no one was given more than they could bear

And I liked the idea that someone was looking out for me

Because I didn’t know any better

But now that I think about it

Pain comes in waves because it is in its nature to be cruel

Pain comes in waves because it likes to grow in strength

Then, just when you think you can’t, when you’re done

It crests, and hits you with its grand finale as it breaks

And as it ebbs you start to doubt your memory

Because for a moment, relief siphons away the intensity of suffering

So pain steals back into the space left free by forgetfulness

And it is nearly as unexpected when it comes back around

Because pain comes in waves

And people are given more than they can bear all the time

They’re just not given the choice not to bear it

Noah by Dee

In order to understand this, you must first learn who Noah really is.

 He fiddles nervously with the lit cigarette, knowing he had to take a puff of it soon for appearance’s sake. He tried to inhale as little of it as possible but he is still uncomfortable with all those carcinogens hanging out in his mouth. Noah was on the wrong side of fifty to be taking stupid risks, but cigarette breaks were the only excuse he could think of to escape the insanity inside the club for a few minutes. So he tried to breathe in as little smoke as possible while enjoying the peace and quiet of a dark alley smelling comfortingly of stale cabbage.

He runs his tongue against his back teeth, trying to drive away the memory of his fillings vibrating with the beat of the bass. It hung there in his mouth, a phantom itch that had quickly become part of the job. Two weeks now doing this and it hadn’t become any less ridiculous. But then the whole situation was ridiculous.

Not too long ago he was a husband, a father, a pillar of the community. Now he’s an emcee at a strip club in a no name town, shady enough to pay him in cash under the table, because credit cards are traceable and banks need real names. So he’s Noah now, because for all intents and purposes, his old life is under a few thousand feet of water. Unfortunately the god whose wrath had rained upon them was one that he’d personally pissed off.

He checks his watch then quickly puts out the cigarette before heading inside. Maybe I should invest in a pair of earplugs he muses as he’s hit with the noise of the club, so loud it’s an almost physical blow. He nods to some of the ‘talent’ waiting to go on as he makes his way to his booth, trying to keep it as professional as he can with so little clothing involved. He always thought that the whole stripper with daddy issues cliché was just that, a cliché. But he supposed clichés were there for a reason. So he kept it friendly but impersonal. Although playing it distant was probably not the best choice when it came to making some of these young women lose interest.

He makes it to the relative safety of his booth, nods a quick thanks to the waitress who serves him a fresh drink. Boozing at work took a little getting used to, although he supposes it’s expected of any grown man who’s effectively run away from home. He pulls the mic closer to introduce Cherrie Blossom to the stage, cringing at the racist undertones. As he observes Grace make her way to the stage, barely recognizable underneath the geisha inspired get up, he wonders if anyone cares that the scantily clad girl was actually Korean. He sighs to himself as he watches racist undertones quickly turn into overtones. I used to be an accountant he thinks to himself. At least I found a line of work less likely to damn my soul to hell.

“But Daddy I Love Him” by Dee

But Daddy I love him

And so

The morning star

Fell to earth

For a sin

With more peril than Pride

Because free will

Was not in The Father’s plan

And the Other was not made

For him to love

For that inspires too much

And so

They were both driven out

One for wanting a forbidden fruit

The other for tasting it

And so

His hope lives on

In us

And so

He whispers

To us

To follow his path

Follow our hearts

To our detriment

Smoke by Dee

That was the first thing you noticed. The City still smoldered. No matter how long it had been since Before, hundreds of years, some even said thousands, the embers of the fires that had destroyed the old world still lived here. The City was a relic of a place that had lived and died so long ago that even its name was lost to time. She had heard it said that once upon a time this place was a center of culture and commerce. Some said that it had lain near a river, others said on an ocean. A few even claimed that it lay near both, which was a notion so ridiculous she had to laugh. It was hard enough to imagine a world were water lay above ground, in bodies so large that they were landmarks with their own names, but to claim that there were so many of them so close together that cities could be built near both was preposterous. No matter people’s flights of fantasy though, this empty scorched ruin was now the center of nothing but desolation.

Sometimes she did wonder though. The world was a different place Before. Before people were split into Sinners and Saints. Before Marks painted themselves on people’s skin and the wrong one could betray you to damnation. Before all the water burrowed down into the earth to escape the evil in people’s hearts.

No one lived in The City now of course. It was a place that made the rest of exile seem safe and cozy, it made the rest of exile seem like 5 Star lodgings in Haven. The City was home to many of the Horrors that had emerged in the Aftermath, the monsters that were the embodiment of the Old World’s wickedness, which were created with its dying breath. Few were stupid or reckless enough to brave its dangers, and even though some of those few had surely returned from it, she had heard of none.

Be that as it may, it was the one place where knowledge live where The Brotherhood wasn’t in control. Legend had it that The City was once home to huge libraries housing thousands upon thousands of books. They were probably all gone now, wiped out but the cataclysm that had destroyed the city itself. But there was still a possibility that she could scavenge something from the wreckage. Some knowledge about the Marks and where the truly came from.

The Brotherhood could claim that the Marks were Divine, a sign from God to finally differentiate between the righteous and the wicked, so that the New World could be built for the good by the good, so that Haven would protect only the truly deserving. But if that were true, if the Marks were the gifts of an infallible Divine Being, how did you explain the handful of Unmarked that appeared every generation? The Brotherhood could deny their existence all they wanted, claim that stories of people who had lived past their 18th year without a Mark appearing on their skin were heresy, but she was living proof that they were lying. Now all she needed was the truth. Its light would shine brightly enough to burn away The Brotherhood’s deceits. It would prove that all their pretense at piety was nothing but smoke and mirrors trying to cloak their main purpose: maintaining their power.

Revolution by Dee

By Dee.

Every morning, from the warmth and comfort of my bed, I tell myself that today is the day. Today is the day I rise up and cast off the shackles I have allowed to be put on my soul. Today is the day I will make up for the moments of my silence, which I’ve let build up, until they smothered my voice completely. Today is the day I say no, I am not who you have decided for me to be: I am different, I am my own person, I share nothing with you, I reject your hatred, your misogyny, your fear, your bigotry. Today is the day I tell them that they’re the ones who are wrong.

Every morning, but only from the warmth and comfort of my bed.

Then of course comes the worst thing, the destroyer of hopes and dreams and fantasies. Then comes reality. Then comes that moment of opportunity, that chance to speak my mind.

That’s when I show my true colors. Mostly they’re just different shades of yellow. Because you see that’s when my good friend The Status Quo shows up. It winds its arms around me, puts a restraining hand on my conscience and takes a firm grip on my tongue. And then it starts making its insidious little comments.

“Wait a second now,” it whispers lovingly into my ear, “Don’t you think we’re being a little rash? I mean yes, things could definitely be better. Maybe you speak, and you stand your ground and refuse to let them grind you down and things will be better. But. They could also be so much worse. Isn’t it better not to take that risk? Just stay quiet, keep your head down, and eke out a quiet existence in the shadows. Isn’t that what you do best in any case?”

And its words make so much sense. Why want what you can’t have when what you do have, though it is in no way good, might just be good enough. I mean people are always talking about the greener grass but it seems that everyone forgets about the troll under that bridge you have to cross, and I’m no billy goat. I’m not nearly as hardy.

So I keep my mouth shut, and move on with my day, wait for the next morning and the warmth and comfort of my bed. After all, the only bloodless revolutions are the ones you have nowhere but in the safety of your own head.

Glass by Dee

By Dee.

Every morning I get down on my knees to worship at your altar

I raise my hands, trace my fingers against you in supplication

I lean close to whisper to you, my breath fogging up your face

Please, I beg you, please lie to me today

Spin me pretty deceits, just for a moment

Tell me I’m not as ugly as I feel

But as always you are deaf to my pleas

Cold and indifferent, no matter how warm my hands against you

After all you were born in a much hotter fire

All your softness burnt away

Any weakness you might have had

You show me nothing but unforgiving truth

Flinging it back at me without a thought

My face, my body, my grimace at the sight

Hard and ruthless, you thrust at me the harsh reality of myself

I curse you and turn away in disgust

I promise myself that tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll find another

One who will hide my reflection away

And let me pretend to be someone other than who I am

If only I can figure out how to make a mirror lie

If only I could walk away from the looking glass.

Secret by Dee

By Dee.

Not with a bang

Nor with a whimper

But with a whisper

Ends the world

Subtle susurrations

Of pursed lips

Shielded by

Hands and Infinite Politeness

You didn’t hear it from me

But

Did you know that She

Did you know that He

Did you know that They

Oh

No

Well

For shame

And a mere murmur

Breaks down years

Built on brick and mortar

And homes torn down

Piece by piece

And lives

Smashed apart

By nothing more

Than a hissed syllable

Or two

Socks by Dee

By Dee

 

Everyone comes into the world with a shared fear, the fear of being alone. Because being alone means that you don’t belong. The world was made to be shared with another. So you curl up together and hold each other close for fear that something will come to tear you apart, and you’ll never see one another again. And what will become of you then?

 When you lose your partner, you lose everything, including who you are when you’re together. When you’re with them, you’re part of something, but alone you’re nothing, of no consequence and no use. And no one wants to become useless, especially when you’re already so dispensable. You know that you’re nothing special, likely to be discarded at any moment. But if you’re together then the world can try to get rid of you as much as it wants. None of it will matter, because you’re still not alone. But when you are alone, there’s no hope for you and you might as well let life go. You’ll lose it all anyway and there’s nothing you can do about it. After all, there’s nothing in the world sadder than a sock which has lost its pair.

Birth by Dee

By Dee.

All my life there was only one thing I ever really wanted from my mother. I wanted her to sit me down and tell me how sorry she was for bringing me into this world. I don’t think there’s anything you can do to someone that’s worse than giving them life. What a horrible thing to do, taking a soul out of the peace of nonexistence and pushing them into misery, the both of you kicking and screaming all the while. For what? Survival of species and family lines. Social and emotional validation. Giving birth should be a crime.

Ink by Dee

By Dee

Ink stains on her fingers. One would think she was still a scribe whiling away her hours in the safety of a musty library, not an exile roaming the deserts with the guns at her hips as the only true constant in her life. But then, Anne wasn’t like your every day Sinner. In fact, she wasn’t really a Sinner at all. Anne was Unmarked, one of the few born to every generation who never got the Sign that marked them as Sinner or Saint. She was also the first Unmarked anyone had heard of who chose to forsake the safety and comfort of a Saint’s life to wander in exile with the Sinners.

Few from her old life as a scribe in the Priesthood would recognize her now, riding rough for days at a time, never settling at any of the ramshackle exile townships. The only thing that hadn’t changed about her was her thirst for knowledge. It probably never would.

That thirst was the reason she had joined the Priesthood and it was the reason she’d later abandoned it and chose exile. She struck out to search for the Forbidden Texts when her studies of the Priesthood’s books had proven fruitless. Not futile though, never futile. She knew that she had learned much those years she spent teasing out truths from between the crumbling pages. But in the end, everything she had learned there only made her want to know more. So she abandoned everything she knew to seek it out. It wasn’t a decision she had made lightly. Most days it weighed heavily on her, what she had done, but it helped her to know that her quest was not a selfish one. The knowledge she sought was not only for her own sake.

She knew that somewhere, locked in ink, there were truths that would set the entire world free. Truths that people, she suspected perhaps the Priesthood itself had kept hidden to suit their own purposes. Purposes she meant to discover. If that meant the destruction of the current order, so be it.

Lipstick by Dee

by D.

I slowly get ready, putting on my other face. I cover up my flaws and bring out a fierceness and strength I don’t necessarily have. I am lost to the ritual, to the beat of drums only I can hear. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Creams, powders, pencils, gels. Because I’m saving the best for last.

At the end, after everything else is done, I hold the small tube in my hand. Its metal is almost cool against my fingers as I take off the lid and roll out the color. It comes off, slick against my lips, the soft pressure almost like a caress. I slide my lips against one another, use the tip of my finger to wipe away the flaws. I look into the mirror and grin at it with newly painted lips. And maybe that grin has an edge of violence to it that wasn’t there before. All the better. Nothing and no one can touch me now. This how I will be able to face the world. With my warpaint on.

Nostalgia by Dee

by D.

I wake up to you wrapped around me warm and pliant with sleep. Your breath is hot and wet on my shoulder and my heart is breaking. So this is goodbye. Turning to face you shouldn’t hurt this bad. My hands on your face, and I brush kisses over every part. Your nose, your eyes, your cheekbones. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Your fingers tighten on my hips but I know that you can’t hold on. This is us, maybe for the last time, soft and drowsy, thigh to thigh and hip to hip.

Last night was about holding on, your lower lip trapped between my teeth, and a bruise beneath you collarbone. Last night was fierce and desperate, and staystaystay. Last night were the last tears I had left to shed. Last night was sweat slick bodies slipping against one another and sliding away in desperation. This morning is about connection and affection between the crumpled sheets where our scents mingle.

I’ve promised not to wait for you. I didn’t lie, I didn’t need to. Waiting is moot. I will never find anyone else because you have ruined me for all mankind. After you everyone seems flat and colorless, like they’re not really there. I will never drink my fill of you, not even if we had all of eternity, but even if I never see you again I will be content. I’ve found my one.

My lips on your jaw, my lashes on your face, my legs, my hips, my fingertips, they all say the same things to you. Be safe, be happy, do great things, come back to me. But most of all they say, God I’m going to miss you. I hold you tight to me and ignore the whispers that say this is the last time.

END