Socks by Hawra’a Khalfan

By Hawra’a Khalfan

There had been a dust storm the day before, as soon as he saw those orange skies all he could think about was his job. He knows those Kuwaitis complain about not being able to leave their homes when these frequent storms happen, but all he could think about in that precise moment was having to get up and sweep it all up tomorrow. It is now his job to sweep the dust, it is his job to inhale the dust particles and cough uncontrollably. Oh, well. I have it better than the trash pick-up workers, they roam around all day in huge reeking trucks infested with insects, so I should be thankful I have this job.

I forget where I am for a moment as I stare at the gravel under my feet, focusing on the feel of the small stones and sand particles under them. I close my eyes and pretend the sun isn’t bothering me, and that my nylon yellow jumpsuit isn’t suffocating my skin. I really don’t want to move just incase she comes today. Nobody really pays extra attention to me except her. To everybody else, I must be part of the street. I’m just as good as a traffic light, well, the traffic light is probably even better than me because it guides them and provides order. What do I do that’s so special? Collect cigarette buds and Pepsi cans? His train of thought came to a halt as soon as he saw her car driving up towards him. “Salam!” She shouted, pulling down her car window. “How are you, are you good?” She asked rhetorically, she knows he isn’t ‘good’, and that he’s as far from it as humanly possible, and that he’s too polite to mention otherwise. He nodded and smiled. I know, she thought, I know. I can see past your toothless smile, I can see into your life, old man. I can see that you’re hurting, that you’re tired, that your skin is peeling from the sun, that your shoes are torn, that you’re starving, and that you’re trying to provide for a family that you probably haven’t seen for years. I know. She thought. I know. She reached into her purse and handed him a 1 KD bill, smiling as she said goodbye and drove off- moving on with her day. She didn’t even give him the chance to thank her, but she ‘knew’.

He stood there staring at the bill with a huge smile on his face before he stuffed it in his pocket.  I should go buy one of those ice cream cones I see the kids eating after school. It will be refreshing to eat something cold. Or maybe I should just save the money and send it to my family? Why send it? I’m sending everything else- I’ll indulge just this time and buy the ice cream. I do need new socks, though. Ice cream, family, or socks? My sister needs to pay her dowry. I’ll just send it along with my salary, he sighed. A different car stopped his train of thought this time- it came so close to the pavement, stopping just an inch away from him. “Salam!” He smiled again enthusiastically, is it going to be one of the good days? Maybe I can taste the ice cream after all? The back window rolled down, and a housekeeper’s head popped out of it. An older Kuwaiti woman is driving and she seems to be frustrated, “Salam!” he repeated with more enthusiasm, but that just caused her to glare in his direction and speak in her Kuwaiti tongue, she seemed to be trying to get the maid to hurry up.  I can never understand these Kuwaitis when they start using their mother tongue. They normally slow down and talk me to like I’m stupid, which is fine. I am stupid, all I know how to do is pick up trash off the sidewalk so I don’t blame them. The housekeeper looked at me, and she knew. She knew. She knows. She feels it. I could see it through her smile, through her eyes. She pulled her arm out of the car and handed him a bag full of rubbish, there’s that smile again, he thought, that broken excuse for a smile. He took the trash bag out of her small dry hands, knowing that the second the Kuwaiti woman drives off he would never see those hands, or that smile again. Not even a coin? Maybe this day won’t be as good as I thought.

He walked, staring at the street ahead of him trying to limit where his feet touch the ground by hopping into any shaded area he finds along his way, and smiling to himself because he must look ridiculous to the people driving by. They probably think I’m crazy, but it really does burn a lot.  The soles of his shoes were thin enough to allow heat in, but at the same time thick enough not let it out. People don’t know that, they just see a probably senile old man who isn’t doing his job and cleaning the streets like he’s supposed to, but instead hopping around in the sun.

He holds his breath and squints as he sweeps the ground, but the sand particles make their way into his eyes and lungs anyway. I really shouldn’t rub my eyes, they will start hurting me again. Maybe I’ll get lucky and people will give me enough money to buy soap so I can clean my hands and body. I really hate the way I smell, but how do I buy soap? The soap I take from the bathroom in the park only lasts so long, and I always feel bad about taking it all. By noon he is sweating bullets, but he must carry on, he must not pause or walk slowly, he must be done cleaning because that is the only way he feels like he can make a difference. He walks and walks, and the only time he takes a break is when a car slows down next to him. He greets the driver with a smile and a “Salam” hoping he would get enough coins to be able to afford some soap now, as he can feel the sand particles moving around in his eyes. There are so many people who can take over my job- I could get replaced so easily, and then my family will suffer because my feet were sweating, and my eyes made friends with the sand? The ice cream and socks seem like tedious purchases now, because his eyes are burning and he can’t afford to take time off work. I want to wash my hands and take the sand out. I want to wash my hands and take the sand out. I really hope I don’t end up with worse eyesight- this happens every time a sandstorm takes place. I feel myself losing my eyesight slowly, he smiled, sighing- it is what it is.

Birth by Hawra’a Khalfan

She smiles at the man sitting across from her at the café.

Oh, what a beautiful man, she thinks.

Hunting down her next prey gives an exuberant feeling,

She examines him, to see if he fits the code.

Tall,

Muscular,

Handsome,

            Is that a dimple?

A black haired, dark bearded creature, the perfect prey.

His big chest calls for her.

     Yum, he should be a tasty one.

She goes over to talk to him,

And sooner rather than later, he is devoured.

The creases on her forehead tell the unsaid

Blood dripping

Love no longer matters

Life no longer matters

All she wants to do is rip his heart out and feed on it

Enjoying the taste of his blood, his flesh.

As tough as it is to chew on a muscle, she has managed with exaggerated movements of her jaw.

She chews and chews, then aches for more.

She licks her blood-covered lips as she smiles and thinks about how her plan never fails her,

Step one

Study him

Step two

Trap him using the one thing she will ultimately feast upon,

And then finally,

     It’s dinner time.

Oops,

She has devoured yet another one.

The taste of his blood

The texture of his heart on her tongue,

He was okay, next time with a side of veggies, though.

 

She moves on,

And on,

And on.

Her heart? Once as holy as the Black Stone, as sacred as its home.

Medusa’s eyes got to it, though.

     She would be proud.

 

A smile creeps on her lips as she envisions the next creature that will belong to her

The next person she is going to give the gift of life.

This is her way of giving Birth to these lifeless creatures.

This is her way of making their deaths meaningful.

Ink by Hawra’a Khalfan

By Hawra’a Khalfan

“Guard your heart”

“Guard your heart”

With fists and spikes

Tell myself to guard, guard, guard.

 

Yet,

I melt into pieces,

Small and priceless,

From your simplest glance.

 

In your case my spikes are blunt,

And fists are tender as a feather’s touch.

 

Using all my effort to

Push and shove you

Stay away from my,

Stay away from this

Cardiac muscle.

 

Leave it be, to pump

But love, not.

Never, love.

 

I rinse and repeat,

Try to shove you,

To break you,

To just yell “Stay away!”

And build walls all around my heart.

Despite my ongoing failure,

Quit, I will not.

Even more though, I try to erase you,

But you’re an ink stain on the blank white page that is my life.

 

Eventually I know that the ink will sink in and I will end up

Welcoming you to these bloodstained walls,

Welcoming you inside this restless muscle,

Your new home—

It will remain.

I will not quit rebuilding these walls though,

So give me no reason to mistrust you.

And I’ll welcome you today and tomorrow,

My love.

Lipstick by Hawra’a Khalfan

by Hawra’a Khalfan

Questioning love, fragile and insecure, she lit her cigarette and inhaled. She could feel the confidence ooze from her inhaled breath into every ounce of her body—missing only her skin. The cigarette made her feel good for a brief moment in time, but in the long run? No, in the long run she was unhappy. She picked up her matte cherry red lipstick- wondering. Red is the color of love. Love? What is love? Love is the mystery of all mysteries. It is the acquaintance we all wanted to have. But, what is love but a mere feeling? It is the same as being sad or excited. It is a mere feeling. It is the mother of all feelings. Why is red the color that is linked to love. Why not yellow?

She applied her lipstick in an attempt to allow her confidence to reach her skin. Sucking more on her little cancerous stick, she found a faint outline of her lipstick on the bud. Hmmm, she thought. I feel pretty. With the cigarette in my hand, and the lipstick on my lips, I am complete. Without these petty little addictions, who am I?

Reminiscing to when she clasped her arms around his body, and with the beat of his heart, she inhaled his scent savoring every moment. I know I’ll miss him. “I love you,” she sighed, “you don’t understand how much.” She picked up her purse, looking down at the ground. Unable to let her tears escape her eyes, she turned around and walked off. And, he let her. She wasn’t sad that he doesn’t love her back, no. She wanted to be sad, but wasn’t. She was happy she knew how he felt, that at least he respected her enough to be honest, to move on. “Wow,” she sighed, “has it really come to this?” He was just another one of her addictions; he completed her, just as her cigarettes and lipstick do. “Who am I?” She asked herself aloud, looking down at the cigarette ash. “What the fuck am I doing?”


His heart was pounding, he loves her and he has never loved anybody this much before, but he was always bad at showing his feelings. He leaned in to plant a kiss on her lips, she didn’t see this coming-it happened fast. Next thing she knew, his lips were kissing hers. She was frozen, partly because she didn’t know what to do, how to react? Pulling back, she looked into his eyes. “No, this is not okay.” She whispered, staring at his lips. She couldn’t take her eyes off them.

“What was that for?” He whispered back. “Why’d you pull back?”

“You know why,” tears formed in her eyes.

Her lipstick was smeared on his lips, she wiped the faint red off, “because you’re getting married,” she said. “This is not okay,” her eyes were now filled with tears.

“This doesn’t change how I feel,” he looked at her with desperation.

“I know,” she sighed, “but I won’t be the girl that kisses someone’s fiancé.”

“Then don’t be that girl,” his lips slowly twisted into a devilish smile, “be the girl that is kissing the man she loves? Be that girl.”

“No,” she rummaged through her bag, looking for her car keys, “I’ll never be the girl that kisses someone’s fiancé, Bader.” she said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, “I came here to say goodbye.”

She couldn’t stop the cycle of thoughts that captured her mind hostage whenever she allowed herself to think of him. He didn’t say a word. He let me leave. He chose her. He didn’t fight for me. He never truly wanted to be with me. He should have fought for me, for us. He should have loved me, as I love him. That was the last time they saw each other. Saying she misses him would never have given justice to the amount of mourning she felt for losing him. He is dead to me, she thought. He is the reason behind all the pain she felt, and the reason she questions who she is. I hate him, and I hate myself for still loving him. “Who am I?” She asked herself aloud, “what the fuck am I doing?”

Nostalgia by Hawra’a Khalfan

by Hawra’a Khalfan

“It’s snowing!” My sister yelled, running into the house to grab her jacket. I ran quickly to the window and watched beautiful little white drops from heaven land on the nearest surface they found. Recently having moved from Kuwait to London I had never seen snow before. To me, this was a miracle- I quickly ran upstairs and changed into warm clothes, and rollerblades. I decided I was going to be the Snow Queen. I opened the front door and rushed outside filled with excitement, and like a slap on the face, I froze. The crispy dry cold lingered into my body. Shivering but eager, I imagined I was the Snow Queen, and I was ice-skating on clear, smooth ice.

I waved my fingers about, giving surreal orders to surreal creatures I envisioned around me. “Go get me a pot of biscuits” I asked my purple servant. Soon my older brother threw a snowball into my face, my glasses fell onto the ground and I couldn’t see. With that snowball my fantasy fell apart. I fell onto the ground, searched for my glasses and pretended to weep. Pretended to be fragile. I made him feel strong and capable of bringing down my tears. I secretly collected as much snow as I could, creating the biggest snowball I could carry. With the help of my sisters we were finally able to seek our revenge and haul Yousef to the ground with our snowball. We laughed from the pleasure of watching him fall, and then later cried when we all caught the flu! I wish I could go back to that memory, to that beautiful day. I would not change a thing. Just as I look back at this memory, tomorrow I will look at today wishing I was back here. Tomorrow I will not view my today as a day to seize and make the best of, but on the contrary, I will look at days passed, laughter perished, and mistakes I learnt from. I will look at exhaled breaths, and want them back. Cherished moments, and wishful thoughts, days spent with loved ones, hours filled with smiles and laughter.

Nostalgia is what my life has come to, my past is beautiful, my present is blurry, and my future unknown.